Obama's Boring Speech

Did you watch Obama deliver his boring speech about walls in Berlin yesterday? Me neither. Man, what a snorefest.

For a guy who has such a great reputation for oratory, he sure knows how to put an audience to sleep. Obama needs to take a course from Steak's School of Oratoracle Genius. Pay attention here; the tips I'm about to give are worth more than a lifetime membership with Toast Masters International

First, ignore people who tell you that a trick to relax while public speaking is to imagine your audience is naked. That never works.

Instead, the best way to feel relaxed in front of a large audience is to shoot eyebeams into the crowd at the end of every sentence.



An audience is never intimidating to a guy who is shooting random people with eyebeams!

My second tip--and this is really the key--is this: never write your own speeches. And don't hire a speechwriter to write one for you. Instead, always use Neo's speech from the last scene of The Matrix:

I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

This speech is short, it's punchy, it's got a lot of "zing." Plus, it's worded in such a way that it's equally appropriate for any public speaking occasion. You can use it for a foriegn policy speech, a commencement address, a valedictory, an address to the stockholders of your company, a wedding toast, and even a eulogy!

Feel free to use these public speaking tips.

John Kerry Endorses Barak Obama

Kerry says: "There! Over there! Kill that guy, Obama!"



You see, John Kerry can't shoot eyebeams himself.

What a sad, sad man.

He can, however, stab John Edwards in the back by endorsing his former running mate's opponent.

You stay classy, John Kerry!

Last Saturday's New Hampshire Debates!

I can't think of a better way to spend Saturday night than watching hours and hours of political debates! Why watch the Playoffs when THIS action was going on?

Here's McCain firing his eyebeams at, I think, debate moderator Charles Gibson:


John McCain minces about onstage while Fred Thompson fires eyebeams at some guy in the audience. Actually, I didn't even need to add eyebeams to this one; Fred looked like he had just killed a guy even before I retouched the photo:


Huckabee looked like he was up to no good throughout the entire debate...


Here's Huck bravely fending off social-liberal Republicans from the left while McCain battles Border Hawks from the right:


Obama tried to hit McCain in the head, but Huckabee distracted him with a beam at his tie and Obama's shot went wide:


OH HO! But it all turned out to be a ruse! A clever ruse! They don't call him "Maverick" for nothing! McCain unexpectedly switches to Obama's side and the pair double-team the Huckster--gleefully blasting him right in the face!


Huck falls to the floor, where Obama and McCain finish him off. Brutal!


Man, I can't believe there's only six ten more months to enjoy all this great stuff.

Rovin' On

Out of all of the news articles I've read about Karl Rove's departure from Bush's staff, I haven't seen any that make a punning headline on the fact that Rove's last name is a verb meaning: "To wander about at random, especially over a wide area; roam." Perhaps this blog entry will go some way towards fixing that.


The Associated Press writes: "President Bush, right, and Deputy White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove are silhouetted as the arrive for a news conference on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, Monday, Aug. 13,2007, where is was announced that Rove is resigning. Marine One, and the Washington Monument are in the background shown actual size." (AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari)

UPDATE:

The Internet Peasant has pointed out an error in the Associated Press's caption to the photograph. I have taken it upon myself to make the appropriate changes to the AP's reporting as indicated in the italicized portion above.

Experimenting With Eyebeams

I tried something a little different with this eyebeam picture: The senators' Power Ties determine the color of their eyebeams! Senator Mikulski isn't wearing a tie, so I just made her eyebeams the same color as her jacket. Other than that, I'm pretty happy with the way this eyebeam picture turned out. Brown eyebeams sure look a lot better than I thought they would!

Sanjaya Continues to Soar Above the Rest!

Tonight is results night on American Idol! It's gonna be another big night for the Unstoppable Sanjaya Juggernaut!

I didn't actually see his performance yesterday, so I have no idea whether he did good, bad or whatever.

Here's what happened: I was watching the show last night, but Sanjaya didn't sing until the very end. Just before he was about to go on, the phone rang. So I hit the remote control button that did the "Pause Live Television" thing, and I answered the phone. Then, when I got off the phone, I hit the button that I thought was supposed to resume paused TV, but instead, it flipped the channel to Bill O'Reilly's pugly face yammering about something stupid like Anna Nicole's baby or Don Imus or something.

So I switched back to American Idol, but Sanjaya's song was almost over, and the Windows Media Center does not store paused TV in its memory if you flip the channel while it's paused. So I only caught the last couple notes of him singing some song I don't know and didn't even understand the words to.

Dammit, Bill O'Reilly. This is your fault.

Anyway, not having heard Sanjaya's performance, I had to use my imagination as to what it must have been like. Then I edited up a Sanjaya picture in MS Paint in order to create a visual representation of what I envisioned in my mind.

It came out something like this:

That rules! If I knew I was going to imagine something as awesome as that, I totally would have voted for him while the polls were open last night!

On the Campaign Trail with Hillary

My first picture shows Hillary mincing about at a house party with some admirers. I saved this photo originally thinking it would be good for adding eyebeams. However, on closer inspection, I found that none of the ladies here are really targeting anything.

If Hillary were shooting eyebeams, it would be at something out of frame on the viewer's right. Same for the Gray-Turtleneck woman. The Bleach Blonde seems to be eyeing a broach of some sort on Hillary's left lapel, but her intention towards it appears more kleptomaniacal than eyebeamy. Campaign Button Girl could be shooting sideways eyebeams, but her target is obscured by Hillary's head.

No clear use of eyebeams for this next photo either: Maybe Hillary's video image could be shooting out eyebeams at all the people below her (I think they're Teamsters). But it's just not clear how that would work.

I think it just looks more like she wants to remind everyone of that Obama supporter's 1984 YouTube video. Perhaps Hillary decided it was better to embrace the "Big Brother" image than try to fight it! If so, well played Madame Senator!

Now, this next picture on the other hand...

This definitely needs eyebeams added! Look!

Much improved! Some photos just don't look right without eyebeams!

Sharing an Elevator

"Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., laughs after Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., happened to get into the same elevator after they both left the Senate... Tuesday, March 27, 2007." (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Kerry Speaks at DC Global Warming Rally

One-time presidential candidate John Kerry spoke today at a rally in Washington DC to speak out against Global Warming. Midway through his speech, he was attacked and killed by a giant Polar Bear that was stalking his head.Did you know that Polar Bear fur is not really white? The hairs are actually translucent and hollow. It has been theorized that the hollow hairs act as fiber optic tubes that direct the heat of the sun to the Polar Bear’s black skin. However, recent research has debunked this.

Personally, I believe that the Polar Bear absorbs the radiant energy of the sun through its hollow hairs and converts it into laser beams that it can shoot through its eyes. This amazing ability of the Polar Bear was demonstrated dramatically by Global Warming Bear, who also attended today’s Global Warming Rally with his cryptic sign.

Some scientists believe that the carbon residue from Polar Bear eyebeam attacks contribute to greenhouse gases and the phenomenon of Global Warming.

Global Warming Bear’s four-hour eyebeam rampage left 14 dead and another 37 critically wounded.

Mixed News on the Financial Front

Stocks rallied today, and briefly even got into positive territory. But it was an overall unimpressive performance. I doubt it will be enough to stop a slide over the long term.

Manufacturing continues to expand, and that will take some edge off of investor anxiety, so the news isn't all that bad. Profit reports from retailers is mixed: Kohl's is up, the Gap is down.

The worst developments today come from the floor of the NY Mercantile Exchange, where chaos continues to reign.

These are crude oil options traders, obviously interested in oil's potential to be converted into highly prized Energon Cubes which is at the heart of the war currently raging on planet Cybertron.

I realize that many of you rely on this blog for financial advice, so my recommendation is to keep your heads down right now. If you currently have money in the market right now, don't cash out in a panic. Keep invested in solid companies, particularly stalwarts such as soft drink makers and banks.

I plan to keep far away from anything being traded on the NYMEX. All it takes is for one stray eyebeam to hit one of the Energon Cubes, and that whole trading floor will be going up like a Roman Candle. That spells disaster for your retirement portfolio!

Bush's Health Care Symposion Becomes a Disaster as Enemies Begin Firing Laser Beams from Their Eyes!

When you have a ten minute break at work, a good thing to do is get a picture of current events (Reuters/AP Photo Wire has some) and save it to your computer. Then open the picture in MS Paint. Now you can give eyebeams to the people in the picture!

By Pete Squorm

TENNESEE (Reuters) - A symposium on President Bush’s health care initiatives turned violent today when Bush’s foes attacked him with eyebeams.

The President was able to defend himself by raising a force shield with his robotic right arm. He left the symposium unscathed.

Secret Service agent Carol Cheever was able to return eyebeam fire, hitting one of Bush’s attackers and causing damage to his liver. Two other Secret Service members fired eyebeams into the audience, killing suspected Al Qaeda terrorists.

I’m going to apply for a job with Reuters. Then I can add the eyebeams to all of the pictures before they are released online. This will save you the trouble of having to open the pictures in Paint and adding the eyebeams yourself.