I Watched the Season Premire of Mad Men Because Everyone and Their Brother Has Been Telling Me I Ought to Get Into This Show

I'd never seen a full episode of Mad Men before. I would catch a few seconds of it here and there when flipping through the channels, and from what I could gather, it's a show about business men in narrow-lapeled, dark flannel suits who drink hard liquor in the office. If there's a story to it beyond that, I have no idea.

There's been a lot of people who have been telling me that I need to follow this show. So I decided to watch the highly anticipated season premire.

It starts out pretty strong, if somewhat confusing. There's some dude boiling milk in a saucepan. Then there's this lady who is either--I can't really tell--in the next room or in a flashback. The lady is either seducing some guy or delivering his baby. She tells him that she is going to cut his d*** off and boil it in hog fat, which is weird in either situation.

There is a midwife who apparently has the just-delivered baby in some kind of pot. She shows the baby to the lady, who now appears to be dying. It isn't quite clear if the baby is alive or dead. Nor is it clear if this is supposed to be a dream sequence or what.

Back to the dude boiling milk in a saucepan. He is being absent-minded and lets the milk boil over. He looks down, and the camera lingers on the image of a saucepan boiling over with foamy milk, like it's a meaningful symbol or something. I don't even want to know.

The midwife gives the baby to some other lady and asks to see her husband. The lady's reaction implies that this is some kind of significant revelation. Or something. The midwife also tells the woman that the mother named the baby "Dick." Ha! Get it? Because the dying mother kept going on about cutting off the (apparent) father's...

Okay, I'm not sure I really get it either. And I never understand what this sequence has to do with the rest of the show.

Later, there are these two dudes on a plane. A stewardess starts hitting on them something fierce. One dude acts surprised that a stewardess would be so desperate as to shamelessly offer herself to a couple of random guys sitting on a plane; the other dude's like, "What? Are you kidding me? This happens all the time."

Then there is some kind of subplot about the Head of Accounting of some business place getting fired, and two other accountant guys get promoted as joint Heads of Accounting in his place. One of the replacement accountant heads is British, and he's all upset that he has to share his promotion with the other accountant. I think we're supposed to hate the British accountant because he's British and (therefore) jealous or something. I know I sure hate him.

That subplot will probably figure big into future episodes, but for now we're back with the two dudes from the plane. One of them ends up with the desperate stewardess in his hotel room, and she's just throwing herself at him as though she knows in the depths of her soul that if she does not have carnal knowledge of this dude she just met on a plane, she will have failed utterly as a woman.

Then we cut to these two dudes making out like they're on Brokeback Mountain and the grizzly bears will eat them if they don't steal Heath Ledger's and Jake Gyllenhall's Oscar nomination. I'm watching this, but what I'm really doing is remembering a simpler, more innocent time of my life, like a half-an-hour ago when I thought it was shocking that basic cable could broadcast a woman repeatedly threatening to cut off some dude's d*** and boil it in hog fat.

In between all this, there's a tertiary subplot about London Fog raincoats, and I learn some titillating information about London Fog. For example, London Fog is only, like, forty years old, but their marketing campaign has convinced every American that London Fog raincoats have existed ever since there was an England. And also, London doesn't actually ever get fog. They only got coal smoke back in Charles Dickens's time, and the legend of England being a foggy isle has branched from that. I have no idea how much of this information I'm learning has any basis in fact.

Back to the story: So the dude who was having an affair with a desperate stewardess goes back home like nothing happened, and it turns out that he has a ten-year-old daughter, and some lady who I guess is his wife. From what I have been gathering over the course of this episode, this guy seems to be the hero of the show, but I have no idea what his name is.

Our Hero is a little angry at his daughter because she broke one of his pieces of luggage. The daughter explains that she only broke her daddy's luggage because she didn't want him to go on trips. Our Hero explains to the daughter that no matter how many trips he takes, he will always come back home. He sound like every skeezy married guy I've ever met who says, "It doesn't matter how you get your appetite, so long as you come home for dinner." Heh-heh. Nudge, nudge. Except that this guy is saying it to his daughter.

The episode ends with the daughter finding the desperate stewardess's wings mixed in with the contents of Our Hero's suitcase. Our Hero then decides to pin the desperate stewardess's wings to his daughter's pajamas.

Roll credits!

I'm probably missing a lot of nuance that would go in to appreciating this show, but I just don't think I'm going to expend the effort to become a fan. All the same, thanks to everyone who told me I ought to give Mad Men a shot!

Your Final Six American Idols

I've been neglecting my American Idol updates ever since Sanjaya was booted off. There are six contestants left, and two are getting the ax tonight. I guess it's about high time I did my roundup on the few who made it this far.

Last night was Bon Jovi night, and no one sang "Runaway" or "Bad Medicine," which made me sad. I hope all the contestants go home for that oversight. Here's how they fared:

Jordin Sparks: Cute kid. Cute name. She's blown everyone away with her phenomenal performances right up until about a week or two ago. This spells trouble because the fact that she's really good makes her fans complacent about voting for her. They don't get alarmed when she has a bad week or two. Then, all of the sudden, no one's voting for her because she's not exciting the audience anymore and the people who like her don't bother to vote because they assume she's safe. This is how Constantine and Chris Daughtry got sent home. Jordin's probably in trouble tonight.

Melinda Doolittle: It is unbelievable the way this gal can belt out a tune. Jordin was probably the only one who could have given her serious competition in the final three. Now that Jordin's stumbling, Melinda could have this contest all buttoned up.

Last night she sang "Have a Nice Day," which is my very least favorite Bon Jovi song. But I liked her version. Anytime an Idol contestant sings the song better than the Original Artist is automatically safe.

Chris Richardson: Purportedly looks like Justin Timberlake, and that is about all that accounts for how he managed to get this far.

Every week he comes on and sings something nasally and forgettable. Last night he sang "Dead or Alive," and the reason he gave for singing it was because Chris Daughtry sang it last year. That scores him a 6.9 on the Richter Scale if the Richter Scale measured lameness instead of awesome, awesome earthquakes.

I hope he goes home tonight.

Blake Lewis: This cat's got some surprising talent. I was going to dismiss him out of hand, but every week he continues to come up with something interesting, sometimes unusual, always worth tuning in to watch.

Last night he sang a beatbox version of "You Give Love a Bad Name," and I was so sure I was going to hate it. But his weird remix rendition of the classic won me over. I think he deserves to win. Out of all of them, he's the only one who would make an album that would be interesting. Melinda's got some pipes, but I already know that when she makes an album, it's going to be just another Tina Turner-esque Mainstream Soul-fest that I'm not going to be interested in.

LaKisha Jones: Does this girl come with an OnStar button? 'Cause a body that looks like this must've been built by Cadillac!

OH HO!

Thank you, thank you. And please, anyone who wants to use that pickup line next time you're at a singles bar, feel free. My complements.

Solid singer. Solid performances. Last night she sang one of Mr. Jovi's more obscure songs that I've never heard before and that means I can't really remember her performance with any degree of accuracy. Performances that are difficult to remember are not a good thing. That could spell trouble for her tonight.

Chris Stacy: Most weeks he delivers songs in a singing style that reminds me of being in a coma. It doesn't help that his death-white pallor and dark circles under the eyes make him look how Uncle Fester might look if Uncle Fester lived off a diet of Slim-Fast Shakes and methadone. But his performances have improved the past few weeks.

Last night he did "Blaze of Glory," and while it had some problems, he more or less worked it out. He deserves a chance to stay, and I think he may have earned it with the fans.

Predictions For Tonight: I'm guessing Chris goes home. His faux-Timberlake looks can only carry him so far. Also, Jordin gets cut in an upset. Every season of American Idol needs at least one upset.

The Power of This Blog

Yesterday, I neglected to make my customary Sanjaya Update Post. That night, Sanjaya was precipitously voted off American Idol. Coincidence? Highly unlikely. I have been consistently doing Sanjaya Update Posts for a full two weeks without exception, and in all that time, he has not once fallen into the bottom three. But on the one week when I talk about something other than Sanjaya, he gets sent home. The odds are astronomical.

Why did I stop doing the Sanjaya Updates, knowing full well that it could ensure Sanjaya’s doom? I dunno. I guess I just got tired of the joke. The idea that a no talent cheeseball like Sanjaya was doing well on the show just didn’t strike me as funny anymore. Apparently, shortly after I stopped thinking it was funny, the rest of America stopped thinking it was funny too.

This is not the first time something like this has happened. Here’s a brief list of things Americans used to find funny until I decided they weren’t funny anymore:

• “Where’s the beef?”
• Saying, “Wazzuuuuuuuup!!!” when you answer the phone
• Church Lady-isms. (“Isn’t that special” and “Superiority Dance.”)
• Movies with a robot that talks like Pee Wee Herman.
• William Hung
• Snakes on a Plane

Here’s a list of things that have pretty much run their course and probably aren’t going to be funny for very much longer:

• Chuck Norris Facts.
• Jack Bauer Facts.
• Mr. T Facts.

Here’s a list of things that will always be funny no matter what:

• Mr. T-isms. (Notably, “I pity the fool who don’t eat my cereal,” and “I ain’t got time for no jibba-jabba.”)
• “KHAAAN!!!”
• Adding eyebeams to photos of politicians and celebrities.

Rep. Tom Tancredo Makes a Stand to Fight the Good Fight!

For those of you who do not know Dog the Bounty Hunter, he is one of America's greatest national treasures who has proved his worth time and again by dedicating his life to kicking ass on a daily basis.

In 2003, you may remember, Dog the Bounty Hunter made headlines when he went to Mexico and captured Max Factor heir and serial rapist with an ironic last name, Andrew Luster.

Bounty hunting does not exist in Mexico so the Mexican government later decided that Dog was guilty of kidnapping, and they are currently demanding Dog's extradition. Dog's fate is unclear, but chances are currently 50/50 that he may be sent back to Mexico to face criminal charges.

Things are looking grim for Our Hero, who is currently in a sitation not unlike Jack Bauer's in the season five cliffhanger finale of 24. However, there is a light on the horizon: Rep Tom Tancredo of Colorado's Sixth District ("the Fightin' Sixth") has entered the fray!

Not a minute too soon! Dog is the mulleted pride of America and our best, last line of defense against bail jumpers. Act now to join Rep. Tancredo and make a stand with Dog!

It takes literally seconds to Sign Tancredo's Petition.

Sanjaya Continues to Soar Above the Rest!

Tonight is results night on American Idol! It's gonna be another big night for the Unstoppable Sanjaya Juggernaut!

I didn't actually see his performance yesterday, so I have no idea whether he did good, bad or whatever.

Here's what happened: I was watching the show last night, but Sanjaya didn't sing until the very end. Just before he was about to go on, the phone rang. So I hit the remote control button that did the "Pause Live Television" thing, and I answered the phone. Then, when I got off the phone, I hit the button that I thought was supposed to resume paused TV, but instead, it flipped the channel to Bill O'Reilly's pugly face yammering about something stupid like Anna Nicole's baby or Don Imus or something.

So I switched back to American Idol, but Sanjaya's song was almost over, and the Windows Media Center does not store paused TV in its memory if you flip the channel while it's paused. So I only caught the last couple notes of him singing some song I don't know and didn't even understand the words to.

Dammit, Bill O'Reilly. This is your fault.

Anyway, not having heard Sanjaya's performance, I had to use my imagination as to what it must have been like. Then I edited up a Sanjaya picture in MS Paint in order to create a visual representation of what I envisioned in my mind.

It came out something like this:

That rules! If I knew I was going to imagine something as awesome as that, I totally would have voted for him while the polls were open last night!

Sanjaya's Star Burns Brighter than Ever!

Well, just as I predicted yesterday, Sanjaya has sailed through to the next round on American Idol. I didn't see the results show, but fortunately Drudge linked to an informative New York Post article. with the headline, FANS STILL 'IDOL'IZE SANJAYA.

Who is the idiot who writes headlines at the NY Post? I ask because I am genuinely puzzled at the Post's use of Pun Quotes around the word "IDOL" as though it is a clever word play to point out that Sanjaya is an "idol" who--coincidentally--appears on a show that has the word "idol" in its title.

The word "idol" is defined: "somebody or something greatly admired or loved, often to excess." This is what "idol" means in the title of the TV show, American Idol, and it is the same meaning of the word (in verb form) as used in the sentence, "Fans still idolize Sanjaya."

That is not a pun. That is a word used twice to mean the same thing. Why are Pun Quotes put around the second word use?

A pun would be a play on something like the homophones "idle" and "idol." You could say, "Sanjaya's career stalled when he 'idoled' it for too long." That is a pun. It is not a pun to say, "Sanjaya is an idol who sings on American 'Idol'," which is essentially what the NY Post did. That would be like me saying, "I watched American Idol, and also, I'm an 'American'."

Modern society uses Pun Quotes either way too much or way too little. I'm going to say that they're used way too "little." We need to use "quotation marks" much more often and for "no" apparant reason, "people." Nothing "spices up" an English sentence quite like "the" frequent and ind"is"criminant use of Pun Quotes!

I have one "last" point I feel "obligated" to make today since a couple days ago I linked to a story about "Belgians" taxing barbeque cookouts: There is an "UPDATE" to that "interesting" article.

Basically, it turns out that whole thing was nothing but "lies."

It's Sanjaya's Time to Shine!

According to Ken Warwick, executive producer for American Idol, Sanjaya is not expected to win this year despite fans' earnest efforts to keep him on the show.

It is not clear how Warwick could possibly know this unless he had some kind of special knowledge, like access to secret vote tallys that the rest of us are not privy to. I think Warwick's full of it.

So wax up your Sanjaya Mohawk and get out there and vote for our boy!