Good News! Charles Barkley's Colonoscopy Will be Televised Live!

And no, I'm not making this up.

I hope it airs during dinner!

Watching the Olympics: Michael Phelps Does not Have Enough Gold Medals

I was watching Michael Phelps win another gold medal last night, and it occured to me that he doesn't have enough of them.

So what I'm proposing is that all of the winners in the badminton competitions give their gold medals to Michael Phelps, because, y'know, they didn't really earn them.

I know that's what I'd do if I had won a gold in badminton.

Of course, I might just be saying that because I've recently caught the biggest caes of Phelps Phever ever known to mankind!

Watching the Olympics

Why is badminton an Olympic sport? The whole point of badminton is that you can set it up in your backyard and a seven-year-old kid could play against an adult with no disadvantage.

Why are they playing this at the Olympics? Is the winner of badminton going to get the same gold medal as the swimmers and gymnasts? Isn't that like having a chess tournament and having some tables set aside for Candyland competitions?

The Loudest Stadium in the NFL! Huzzah!

As A Seattle native living in northern Virginia, I could hardly go long without THIS headline being brought to my attention: Redskins Accuse Seahawks of Fake Fan Noise at Qwest Field.

Qwest Field is home to the 12th Man, and reportedly, the loudest of all NFL stadiums.

So naturally, Redskins fans are making their excuses early in anticipation of their soon-to-be crushing loss in today's playoff game. Redskins running back Mike Sellers says, "That place had to be miked up because the last time we played there, it was ridiculous... We couldn't hear ourselves talk. For a stadium that small, it can't be that loud."

Clearly, Mike Sellers is simply not used to fan noise. He would know this if he played anywhere other than FedEx field, where the fan noise sounds like this: "Hey! Those don't look like Raven's uniforms!" and "This is a football stadium in Maryland. Why aren't the Ravens playing?"

Winners win while losers make excuses, so that's fine with me. I'm going over to watch the game at a friend's (a Redskins fan, incidentally) house at 4:30 today, to "Huzzah" the 'Hawks on with the best of them that my mighty "Huzzah's" may propel them on to victory, even from a continent away!

That gives me about two hours to figure out how to conceal this mike in my #8 jersey.

Update:

Huzzah! The Seahawks of Seattle have proven themselves to be the superior warriors and claimed the victory. Thanks to everyone for yelling!

It's a Little Late for My World Series Prediction

I had intended to update this a while ago with a post about my playoffs and World Series picks. Unfortunately, I kept putting it off until now, when the point is moot.

However, if by chance you're still interested, here's what my picks would have been if you'd asked me a couple weeks ago:

ALCS: Cleveland wins in five games.

NLCS: Arizona wins in seven.

World Series: Cleveland in six games.

Next year I'll try to be more timely with my picks, for the benefit of anyone who visits this bloog looking for sports betting tips.

Terrible News! Yankees Knocked Out of the Playoffs!

So it's now official. The Cleveland Indians have destroyed the NY Yankees hopes for a 27th World Series championship ring, denying the Bronx Bombers even a spot in the American League Championship Series.

Do I glory in the Yankees loss? Of course not. I love the Yankees.

Now, I know that there are some Yankees haters out there, but don't you dare count me among them. In fact, I am such a fan of the Yankees that I wish I could own the team, and thereby implement my Three-Step Strategy to Guarantee a Yankees Winning Season.

Here's how I would manage the Yankees if I were the owner:

STEP ONE: I would fire manager Joe Torre. His job's been hanging by a thread this whole post-season anyway. If I owned the Yankees, I'd drop him in a heartbeat and hire someone who knew something about baseball. Someone like former relief pitcher John Rocker.

After boosting fan confidence with this bold move, I would proceed on to...

STEP TWO: Wherein I would trade away Derek Jeter to the Boston Red Sox. Specifically, I would trade him for a ham sandwich.

Now, some of you might say, "If you're going to trade Derek Jeter, shouldn't you trade him for an actual baseball player?" I say, "No." Because I will need a ham sandwich since I will want something to eat during the press conference where I explain why I traded away Jeter to the Red Sox.

I will, after all, need to keep my strength up just to execute...

STEP THREE: In which I move the Yankees to Atlanta. Now, granted, Atlanta already has the Braves, but the Braves are in the National League, so they could totally accommodate an American League team.

And, besides, who wouldn't root for a team called "the Atlanta Yankees"?

That's my dream, anyway. A dream of one day owning the Yankees just so I could implement my Three-Step Strategy for winning the World Series.

So don't none of y'all ever accuse me of being a Yankee hater!