Play Minnesota Election Judge!

Via Hot Air.

Minnesota Public Radio's website has a page up where you can pretend to be an election judge in the contested Minnesota Senate race! You decide which ballots to reject, which to accept, and which candidate's column they should be added to!



Here's my picks:

Ballot #1: The Arrow – Franken. That doesn’t look like an arrow so much as a voter beginning to fill in the wrong bubble and leaving a line as he drops to fill in the bubble below it.

Ballot #2: The Thumbprint – Accept it. So what if the dude’s pen accidentally leaked on his fingers?

Ballot #3: Outside the lines – Reject the ballot. All it looks like is someone tested his pen in the margin.

Ballot #4: The NO ballot – Franken. “NO” next to Coleman’s name is pretty clear.

Ballot #5: Lizard People – Franken. The voter probably just liked writing “Lizard People” in all of the write-in spots, even in races where he did not intend to actually vote for Lizard People

Ballot #6: The Checkmark – Reject. I suppose others would find this a clear vote for Franken, but… C’mon, please. Couldn’t the voter just put in a LITTLE bit of effort?

Ballot #7: The Oops – Coleman. The voter apparantly partly filled in Franken’s bubble by a mistake before filling in Coleman’s bubble completely.

Ballot #8: The Dot – Franken. The dot in Barkley’s bubble could only be accidental.

Ballot #9: The Eraser – Barkley. A voter tries to vote with an eraser smudge? Are they kidding?

Ballot #10: The Confusion – Barkley. Some of these challenges are pretty ridiculous.

Ballot #11: The Underline – Reject. One man’s underline is another man’s crossout. If the voter wanted their vote counted, he should have got a new ballot.

The First '08 Presidential Debate (It Rhymes!)

Longtime blog reader Zero Music expects serious debate analysis, and so, here it is:

I tried to watch the debate. I really did. I tuned in and watched Senator Obama say some fine words in his magnificent, sonorous voice. I immediately forgot them as soon as he was done speaking. Then Senator McCain siad something about "greed on Wall Street."

I couldn't take the Talking Points any more. I flipped around the channels until I saw that the Cartoon Network was showing the movie Zathura. So I watched Zathura for a while until I got my strength back up.

I flipped back to the debate. Obama said some more words in in his incredible, incredible voice. I can't remember what he said. Then McCain said, "We Republicans went to change government, and govenment changed us."

I watched a little more Zathura on Cartoon Network before flipping back to the debate. Obama was saying fine, fine words. Then McCain said that the way to fix the economy was to control Federal spending.

Gah. McCain spent the last half of the week in DC trying to midwife a $700 billion dollar bailout plan; NOW he tells us that the problem with the economy is too much Federal spending?!?

It was too much. I was slipping into despair. Not even Zathura could make it tolerable anymore.

So I turned off the T.V. and went to a bar.

They were showing the debate on the T.V.'s at the bar with the sound turned off (with closed captioning) so people could listen to the band. (The band was pretty good, btw.)

I sat at the corner seat of the bar doing a little people-watching with half my attention tuned to the closed-caption debate.

A few people hung out near me to watch a little of the debate. I couldn't hear most of what they said over the band, but I did manage to catch a few snatches of conversation.

They were looking at the debate and saying stuff like this:

"I don't want to vote for either of these guys."

"I can't imagine either of these clowns as president, can you?"

And the most revealing comment of the night came from one guy who walked up next to me and started watching the closed captioning: "I want to see which one of these guys can at least lie to me with a straight face before they become president," he said.

Cynicism.

Sarcasm.

Contempt.

These average, ordinary Americans in a typical American bar hated all politicians. They didn't care who was running, and they didn't care who won. They didn't believe either candidate could solve America's problems.

It was like pure, clean, baptismal waters washing over me; I felt reborn. My belief in our republican democracy was restored.

For the first time since this election cycle started, I feel that everything is going to be fine.

Hope You Had a Great Low-Flow Toilet Blowup Day

Dave Barry's blog links to photos and video of the joyous celebration.

National Low-Flow Toilet Blowup Day is Sunday, April 27

Congress mandated the low-flow toilets in the Energy Policy Act of 1992. That's why it takes you two or three flushes to get the job done today. It's hard to believe, but there once was a day when you could do your business, flush once and walk away. You didn't have to flush in installments, you didn't have to keep the plunger handy. You just flushed and didn't think twice about it while you washed your hands.

National Low-Flow Toilet Blowup Day is a holiday commemorating the changes wrought by th eEP Act of 1992. Here's the official website.

They will also be honoring noted anti-low-flow toilet advocate Dave Barry by blowing up a low-flow toilet in his name.

Spitzerface

The Spitzerface is intense!



I tried, and I could only hold a Spitzerface for, like, 30 seconds, max.

His wife, on the other hand, I bet is going to hold her expression for a month, if not longer.

John Kerry Endorses Barak Obama

Kerry says: "There! Over there! Kill that guy, Obama!"



You see, John Kerry can't shoot eyebeams himself.

What a sad, sad man.

He can, however, stab John Edwards in the back by endorsing his former running mate's opponent.

You stay classy, John Kerry!

Last Saturday's New Hampshire Debates!

I can't think of a better way to spend Saturday night than watching hours and hours of political debates! Why watch the Playoffs when THIS action was going on?

Here's McCain firing his eyebeams at, I think, debate moderator Charles Gibson:


John McCain minces about onstage while Fred Thompson fires eyebeams at some guy in the audience. Actually, I didn't even need to add eyebeams to this one; Fred looked like he had just killed a guy even before I retouched the photo:


Huckabee looked like he was up to no good throughout the entire debate...


Here's Huck bravely fending off social-liberal Republicans from the left while McCain battles Border Hawks from the right:


Obama tried to hit McCain in the head, but Huckabee distracted him with a beam at his tie and Obama's shot went wide:


OH HO! But it all turned out to be a ruse! A clever ruse! They don't call him "Maverick" for nothing! McCain unexpectedly switches to Obama's side and the pair double-team the Huckster--gleefully blasting him right in the face!


Huck falls to the floor, where Obama and McCain finish him off. Brutal!


Man, I can't believe there's only six ten more months to enjoy all this great stuff.

Huzzah! The Ron Paul Blimp is a GO!

After intense buildup, the Ron Paul Blimp finally launched Friday!


The blimp carries two messages. On this side it says to "Google Ron Paul." On the other side, it says, "Shut down the FBI, the CIA, withdraw all troops, not only from Iraq, but also from our bases in Germany, Japan and South Korea, leave Taiwan and Israel to fend for themselves abolish the Federal Reserve, and put the country on the Gold Standard."

No! Just kidding! The other side says "Ron Paul: rEVOLution." Because "EVOL" is "LOVE" backwards!

As the Ron Paul Blimpers explain on their webpage, they "specifically left off any reference to an election, because most people do not care about politics. We want to bring them back into the electoral process, and messages like the ones chosen -- distinctly different than the same old boring way of advertising candidates -- will do that."

What the Blimpers don't say is that omitting any mention of an election on the side of their blimp might be an attempt to dodge McCain-Feingold laws. It's not a political message if it's just a blimp telling you to Google some dude's name. Theoretically. We'll see.

Besides, the Ron Paul Blimp is about more than just an election... This is about rEVOLution! It's time to catch the fever! Feel the excitement! Freedom is literally in the air!

As you can see, Vast Throngs^™ of freedom lovers turned out to watch History Being Made^™:


Just imagine what Lee L. Mercer Jr. could do with a blimp.

Why Won't You Let Mike Gravel Say What He Wants to Say?

If there is one candidate who stands out in the Democratic field for me, I make no secret that that candidate is none other than Lee L. Mercer Jr.

However, I would like to take some time here to take a look at another promising candidate, one Mike Gravel who was apparantly a congressman of some sort, like, sixty odd years ago. And he's made this compelling video to advance his campaign:



I'm taken with this video mostly because it is clearly intended to target my demographic: voters who are just the right age to remember watching Schoolhouse Rock as a kid.

Of course, waching Mike Gravel's video, I get the impression that Mike assums that I also did a lot of LSD.

EIGHT-YEAR OLD ME: "Mom! 'Schoolhouse Rock' is on! Can I drop acid?"

MY MOM: "Not until you clean your room!"

EIGHT-YEAR OLD ME: "But Mommmm!"

So it was not until decades later that I would finally find out what "Schoolhouse Rock" looks like when you're trippin', all thanks to a Mike Gravel campaign video.

Plus, you can't help but dig Mike's wicked cover of "Give Peace a Chance." I urge you to watch this video over and over again until you get it stuck in your head. Hurry and do it now before Yoko finds it and forces everyone to take down the song!

Coming Up!

More Incredible Mike Gravel videos! Stay tuned!

Coming Up! Update!

I've changed my mind. I'm sick of watching Mike Gravel videos on YouTube and do not plan to post any more for the forseeable future.

Good News! "Nature Boy" Ric Flair Announces His Presidential Endorsement!

For those of you waiting for former pro wrestler "Nature Boy" Ric Flair's presidential endorsement, the wait is over. And the winner is...

Mike, "the Huckster" Huckabee! Whoooo!

I suppose you might think I'd be disappointed. Ric Flair is another in a string of d-list celebrities like Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent who have put their considerable influence behind Huck--influence that should have gone to the only real candidate in the race: Lee L. Mercer Jr.

I can't deny I would like to see Mercer's campaign get a boost, but on the other hand, I have to love Huckabee endorsements if only for the fact that they give the media an excuse for another round of "so-and-so (Hearts) Huckabee" headline puns. I love those!

Good News! The Dennis Kucinich Juggernaut Continues to Gather Steam!

When it comes to the Democratic presidential candidates, I have been fully behind my guy, Lee L. Mercer Jr., from the very beginning. From my perspective, Mr. Mercer is the "perfect candidate," and it would take a candidate with something even more than perfection to offer in order to steal my vote.

Have we found such a candidate in Congressman Dennis Kucinich?

Mr. Kucinich, pictured above (center) with his lovely wife and a friend, has been running an impressive campaign that is sure to attract popular support.

But what really made me sit up and take notice of the Kucinich candidacy was today's surprise endorsement from porn king Larry Flynt!

I'm still firmly a Mercer Man. However, I really wish Lee L. Mercer Jr. would get his act together and try to find at least one aging pornographer to endorse him. If he doesn't get one soon, the Kucinich candidacy just looks more and more inevitable with each passing day.

Popular Demand!

Due to popular demand, I have decided to work presidential hopeful Mitt Romney into my storybook about Bobby the Bob-Tail Coon.



Children's literature? Or sophisticated political satire?

Who says it can't be both?

Rovin' On

Out of all of the news articles I've read about Karl Rove's departure from Bush's staff, I haven't seen any that make a punning headline on the fact that Rove's last name is a verb meaning: "To wander about at random, especially over a wide area; roam." Perhaps this blog entry will go some way towards fixing that.


The Associated Press writes: "President Bush, right, and Deputy White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove are silhouetted as the arrive for a news conference on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, Monday, Aug. 13,2007, where is was announced that Rove is resigning. Marine One, and the Washington Monument are in the background shown actual size." (AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari)

UPDATE:

The Internet Peasant has pointed out an error in the Associated Press's caption to the photograph. I have taken it upon myself to make the appropriate changes to the AP's reporting as indicated in the italicized portion above.

Cool Shades, Senators!

The Lady in Pink at the end is Senator Barbara Mikulski (D-Maryland). To the right (her right) is Senator Wayne Allard (R-Colorado), and to the right of him is Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska)

This picture reminds of the 1988 John Carpenter movie, They Live. In this movie, an out-of-work construction worker played by pro-wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper finds a pair of sunglasses that allow him to read subliminal messages, designed to control the populace, hidden in billboards. It also lets him see through the disguises of apparantly normal people who are really hideous aliens pretending to be humans and walking uneen among us.

You may say, "Aren't those Senators just attending the 2007 Paris Air Show and wearing 3-D glasses to view Honeywell's 3-D flight deck exhibition?"

Okay, yes. Sure. But that doesn't mean I can't pretend that they are actually seeing the alien conspiracy for the first time through sunglasses that Rowdy Roddy Piper forced them to wear after a five-and-a-half minute back alley fight scene.

The Paris Air Show, by the way, sounds as though it was pretty cool. It might be worth it to plan a trip to Paris in 2009 to coincide with the next show.

Republican Presidential Candidates Hold Second Debate

The Republicans held their second primary debate last Tuesday. I found it to be one of the more riveting and intelligent things I've seen on T.V., but that's because I wasn't actually watching the debates. House was airing at the same time and we watched that instead.

When House was over, we changed the channel over to Fox News to watch the last half-hour debate out of sheer curiosity over what it would look like if ten chumps were given two minute intervals to say the words "Ronald Reagan" as many times as they possibly could in a sentence. So I was in time to see what was, apparantly, the only thing worth watching in the entire debate: Rudy Guiliani showing the true definition of bravery and courage by standing up to longshot fourth-tier candidate Ron Paul. Huzzah! Guiliani scored wild applause though it's not exactly clear what he accomplished by slapping down a guy who had little to no chance of ever getting the nomination.

I don't want to vote for any of these guys, and I'm not going to vote for any the Democrats.

Perhaps it's finally time for me to consider becoming a third party voter. And fortunately for me, I've got just the third party in mind! Ladies and gentlemen, buckle your seatbelts because I'm signing y'all up for THE AMERICAN FACSIST PARTY!

I've searched high and low, but never have I found such a band of stalwart hearts so earnest to concieve themselves to be amible populists and nationalists and then march themselves proudly under the banner of Fascism. Truly refreshing!

Their website's worth a gander. Check out their online Fascist Music Player, featuring music from Fascist Spain and Italy. My favorite is "Himno Hispano," (skip ahead five tracks on the player) a rockin' little ditty sure to make anyone nostalgic for Franco's Spain.

While you're there, also be sure to check out their Party Platform, a 23 page manifesto printed out on html (!) format! It's a corker! I'd link you directly to the web page, except it's a screwy html formated page and whatever link I put up here seems to take you back to the homepage by default. Here's an excerpt:

Theory The task of creating an all-encompassing ideology is of course, a daunting one; and though I do not want to underestimate the importance of having a document that blah blah blah blah snore zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Okay. Admittedly, I haven’t actually read much more than to skim the first two paragraphs. But the second paragraph is the one that has me really excited about this party:

The Fascist Goal Fascism is a political ideology. At this very statement most agreement over what Fascism actually is begins to come apart, and there has been no end to the discussion on the theory and practice of Fascism since the initial use of the word itself.

In other words, there are no actual set parameters as to what can and cannot be called “Fascism.” It's not like Communism where there is an actual book that states what Communism is. With Fascism, you can just think up just about any screwball nationalistic political idea you want and call it “Fascism.”

For the most part, focus has been leveled, and remains on the practice of the regimes to which the ideology has been historically affixed, including, but not limited to Germany, Italy, Spain, Romania, Argentina, even Japan, among others. In addition to criticism of the methods of these regimes, the title of “Fascism” has been variously used in conjunction with political attacks in this country against any number of politicians, ideas and civil groups exhibiting a generally socially conservative nature.

Here we get to the meat of the problem. A lot of people assume that, just because they didn’t like Fascist Germany, Fascist Italy, Fascist Spain, Fascist Romania, Fascist Argentina, or Fascist Japan, they would also not like Fascist America. People are funny that way.

Indeed the ultimate end of the current true Fascist ideologues has been to wrest the word back from misappropriation by the public. This takes the form of trying to defend against the perceptions of the public that the Fascist is a thug, a tyrant, a racist, or all of the above.

The ultimate end! Making people stop having negative connotations with the word “Fascism”!

It’s sort of like if someone started a political party and said, “We don’t really have to call ourselves the ‘Everybody Gets Lupus Party,’ but we’re going to call ourselves that anyway. Our primary aim is to change the public’s negative perception of the phrase “Everybody Gets Lupus.” We want to wrest that phrase from those who would misuse it to describe a situation of an entire population succumbing to a chronic autoimmune disease.

Most people would save themselves the bother and just call themselves something with an upbeat name like "Popular Nationalist Party" or "National Populist Party." But the guys over at americanfascistparty.com are not "most people." By golly, they’re gonna insist on being called Fascists and nuts to the first person who says that’s a bad thing!

I like their style!

Maybe sometime later on I’ll read more of their Party Platform and see what they actually believe in besides that “Fascist” shouldn’t be a negative term.

Until then, Fascism Forward!

Rep. Tom Tancredo Makes a Stand to Fight the Good Fight!

For those of you who do not know Dog the Bounty Hunter, he is one of America's greatest national treasures who has proved his worth time and again by dedicating his life to kicking ass on a daily basis.

In 2003, you may remember, Dog the Bounty Hunter made headlines when he went to Mexico and captured Max Factor heir and serial rapist with an ironic last name, Andrew Luster.

Bounty hunting does not exist in Mexico so the Mexican government later decided that Dog was guilty of kidnapping, and they are currently demanding Dog's extradition. Dog's fate is unclear, but chances are currently 50/50 that he may be sent back to Mexico to face criminal charges.

Things are looking grim for Our Hero, who is currently in a sitation not unlike Jack Bauer's in the season five cliffhanger finale of 24. However, there is a light on the horizon: Rep Tom Tancredo of Colorado's Sixth District ("the Fightin' Sixth") has entered the fray!

Not a minute too soon! Dog is the mulleted pride of America and our best, last line of defense against bail jumpers. Act now to join Rep. Tancredo and make a stand with Dog!

It takes literally seconds to Sign Tancredo's Petition.

Supreme Gourt Rules Global Warming Unconstitutional!

Massachusetts and eleven other states won their case against the EPA before the Supreme Court this Monday. The ruling found that the language of the Clean Air Act required the EPA to regard carbon dioxide as a pollutant, and further, required the Agency to therefore regulate tailpipe emissions on cars and trucks.

One would have thought that it would have been far simpler for the concerned states to simply approach Congress, which passed the Clean Air Act in the first place, and point out to that body that the EPA was not regulating carbon dioxide even though the Clean Air Act seemed to demand it. If it was Congress's intent that the Clean Air Act cover carbon dioxide, then I'm sure Congress could have easily let the EPA know. But I guess that's not as much fun as a Supreme Court case.

I'm a little disappointed in this as I am a huge carbon dioxide fan. Besides being an important greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide is something that I make on a daily basis. Here's a passage from a highly relevant wikipedia article:

"Carbon dioxide is a colorless gas which, when inhaled at high concentrations (a dangerous activity because of the associated asphyxiation risk), produces a sour taste in the mouth and a stinging sensation in the nose and throat. These effects result from the gas dissolving in the mucous membranes and saliva, forming a weak solution of carbonic acid. One may notice this sensation if one attempts to stifle a burp after drinking a carbonated beverage."

What fun!

It still does not explain why the Supreme Court thinks that the Clean Air Act requires the regulation of this delightful gas. As its name would imply, the purpose of the Clean Air Act is to ensure clean air. Carbon dioxide might trap heat in the earth's atmosphere, but it most cetainly does not make the atmosphere dirty the way soot and smog does.

"The Administrator (of the EPA) shall by regulation prescribe (and from time to time revise) in accordance with the provisions of this section, standards applicable to the emission of any air pollutant from any class or classes of new motor vehicles or new motor vehicle engines, which in his judgment cause, or contribute to, air pollution which may reasonably be anticipated to endanger public health or welfare."

That is the passage from Section 202 of the Clean Air Act that the argument of Massechusetts et al. rests on. However, as Justice Scalia points out in his dissent, the phrase "in his judgement" gives the EPA Administrator certain discretion. In this case, the Administrator has made no judgement, and the text of the Clean Air Act does not make it clear that he is required to do so.

The EPA's position is that it has deferred from making a judgement at this time because it believed that the President's "comprehensive" plan would be a more effective way to deal with climate change than taking a "piecemeal" approach of establishing emissions standards for motor vehicals.

I don't know if those are good reasons for withholding a judgement right now on carbon dioxide emissions, but there is no case made in the decision as to why this discretion should not belong to the Agency. The decision of the Court states, "Under the clear terms of the Clean Air Act, EPA can avoid taking further action only if itdetermines that greenhouse gases do not contribute to climate change or if it provides some reasonable explanation as to why it cannot or will not exercise its discretion to determine whether they do." But this is just what the EPA did do when it argued that it believed the President's plan to be more effective in cutting carbon emissions and less likely to encourage developing nations to increase their output ofgreenhouse gasses.

The majority opinion of the Court never explains why it has decided to take this discretion out of the Agency's hands, except to dismiss the Agency's reasons out of hand as a "laundry list."

If you like reading Court opinions (and I'll bet you do!) you can read Massachusetts et al v. Environmental Protection Agency decision as well as the dissenting opinions from Roberts and Scalia HERE.

Roberts's dissent argues that Massachusetts failed "to demonstrate injury in fact, causation and redressability" and that the case therefore never should have come before the Court. Scalia's dissent defends the EPA's use of discretion in withholding judgemenet on whether to regulate carbon dioxide.

On the Campaign Trail with Hillary

My first picture shows Hillary mincing about at a house party with some admirers. I saved this photo originally thinking it would be good for adding eyebeams. However, on closer inspection, I found that none of the ladies here are really targeting anything.

If Hillary were shooting eyebeams, it would be at something out of frame on the viewer's right. Same for the Gray-Turtleneck woman. The Bleach Blonde seems to be eyeing a broach of some sort on Hillary's left lapel, but her intention towards it appears more kleptomaniacal than eyebeamy. Campaign Button Girl could be shooting sideways eyebeams, but her target is obscured by Hillary's head.

No clear use of eyebeams for this next photo either: Maybe Hillary's video image could be shooting out eyebeams at all the people below her (I think they're Teamsters). But it's just not clear how that would work.

I think it just looks more like she wants to remind everyone of that Obama supporter's 1984 YouTube video. Perhaps Hillary decided it was better to embrace the "Big Brother" image than try to fight it! If so, well played Madame Senator!

Now, this next picture on the other hand...

This definitely needs eyebeams added! Look!

Much improved! Some photos just don't look right without eyebeams!

Sharing an Elevator

"Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., laughs after Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., happened to get into the same elevator after they both left the Senate... Tuesday, March 27, 2007." (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Kerry Speaks at DC Global Warming Rally

One-time presidential candidate John Kerry spoke today at a rally in Washington DC to speak out against Global Warming. Midway through his speech, he was attacked and killed by a giant Polar Bear that was stalking his head.Did you know that Polar Bear fur is not really white? The hairs are actually translucent and hollow. It has been theorized that the hollow hairs act as fiber optic tubes that direct the heat of the sun to the Polar Bear’s black skin. However, recent research has debunked this.

Personally, I believe that the Polar Bear absorbs the radiant energy of the sun through its hollow hairs and converts it into laser beams that it can shoot through its eyes. This amazing ability of the Polar Bear was demonstrated dramatically by Global Warming Bear, who also attended today’s Global Warming Rally with his cryptic sign.

Some scientists believe that the carbon residue from Polar Bear eyebeam attacks contribute to greenhouse gases and the phenomenon of Global Warming.

Global Warming Bear’s four-hour eyebeam rampage left 14 dead and another 37 critically wounded.