Surprise! You've Been Left Behind!

I'm pretty sure most of you losers are going to be "left behind" during the rapture, so you won't be needing THIS IMPORTANT SERVICE which I found through Dave Barry's blog.

I, of course, will be going straight to heaven, so I'll need the services of youvebeenleftbehind.com to send emails to all my friends and family who aren't QUITE as holy as I am. According to the website:

"There will be a small window of time where (your loved ones who have been Left Behind) might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time."

Ha! Ha! I can't wait to see the look on all my papist friends' faces when they get my snarky I-told-you-so messages seven days after I've been taken up in the Rapture!

But wait! There's more!

You will also be able to give them some help in living out their remaining time. In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys' (you won't be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love).

Nothing drives home the message of love quite like the gift of things you won't be needing anymore!

But there's an even better reason to entrust your account numbers and power of attorney to youvebeenleftbehind.com's encrypted website: If you don't,

... the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way.

That's right! The AntiChrist! I hate that guy!

I'm not certain as to whether the AntiChrist will turn out to be Obama or McCain, but I'm pretty certain it's going to turn out to be one of the two. (Obama has the messianic charisma and the kind of funny name you'd think the AntiChrist would have, but McCain's this old man who seemingly can never die. Also, he's got the name-connection to the Biblical Cain, the first murderer! Spooky!)

Whatever the case, I don't want either of those pinheads to get their hands on my stuff. I'm sure I'm better off having it all emailed post-Rapture to some sinner that I feel sorry for.

Youvebeenleftbehind: Smart Planning for End Times!