Food For Thought

Do the people who adopt the phrase “Never say never” as their personal motto not realize the rank hypocrisy? Shouldn’t they at least acknowledge it and modify their personal motto to say, “Never say never, unless it is in the context of when it is okay to say ‘never,’ which is never, except in situations like this where it is necessary to use the word ‘never’ to make the point.” Wouldn’t that avoid a lot of confusion?

Well over 37% of people can be considered “above average.”

I can buy imitation crab at the store, and I can buy artificial sweetener, but I cannot buy phony baloney. You would think that by now someone would have tried marketing phony baloney if for no other reason than just the fact that phony baloney has built-in name recognition. I think I’m going to take the idea and get rich selling phoney baloney. It’ll be packaged just like real baloney. It’ll look just like real baloney. But when you take a bite, you’ll discover that it’s NOT baloney! It’s really a two-and-a-half-inch thick, sizzling hot, medium-rare cooked Delmonico steak!

I just noticed: horses don’t have udders. How do farmers milk them?

“Conjoined” and “joined” mean the same thing. You’d think we’d have learned something from that whole flammable/inflammable fiasco, but I guess not.

Suppose you’re one of five people stranded in a life raft in the middle of the ocean. The raft is only provisioned for four people, so either one person has to be thrown overboard, or else all five of you will starve to death before rescue. How do you decide who to toss over the side? Here’s what I’d do: I’d volunteer to jump off the raft myself. But before I jumped, I’d make a very brave and moving speech about personal sacrifice and noble ideals. Then I’d jump overboard. That’d make everyone feel guilty, and then someone—we’ll call her Judy—would decide to jump overboard too. Then another guy—we’ll call him Craig—would jump overboard because he secretly thinks Judy’s cute and wants to impress her. Now the peer pressure’s REALLY on to jump off the raft, and the remaining two will jump overboard just to save face. Then I’d climb back on the raft and have it ALL TO MYSELF. If Judy or Craig or any of the others tried to get back aboard, I’d smack them away with the oars, and then I’d paddle away, chuckling to myself about what SUCKERS other people can be.