A night at the Oscars!

Ho-Kay! I don't know if any of y'all watched the Oscars last night (I didn't) or any of the nominated movies (I didn't), but I've decided to write up movie reviews of the movies that won in all categorys. Are you ready? Great! Let's start with...

THE DEPARTED: Best Picture, Best Director (Martin Scorsese), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Film Editing (Thelma Schoonmaker)

Finally! A crime drama that is described by critics as "gritty." I am so sick of all those non-"gritty" crime dramas.

And Jack Nicholson shaved his head! No, not for his role in the movie. He just shaved it and showed up for the Oscars that way! I wonder if this is like one of those "showing solidarity" things that some of Britney Spears's fans are doing. Is Jack a Britney fan? I never would have guessed!
RATING: 4 out of 5 stars

THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND: Best Actor (Forest Whitaker)

'K. So I know that our society is supposed to be "colorblind" when it comes to race. But... C'mon. Forest Whitaker is clearly not Scottish in any way. I wonder if his Scottish brogue is even convincing.
RATING: 3 1/2 out of 5 stars

THE QUEEN: Best Actress (Dame Helen Mirren)

A movie about how Tony Blair had to persuade Queen Elizabeth II that it would be a good idea for her to say something nice about Diana after the fateful paparazzi-induced car crash that took her life. It's like they took the most boring incident of a celebrity death and made a movie out of it. Like if they made a movie about what Za Za Gabor's husband was doing when he heard Anna Nicole was dead.
RATING: 2 out of 5 stars

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE: Best Supporting Actor (Alan Arkin), Best Original
Screenplay

I actually saw this movie! It was okay, I guess.
RATING: 3 out of 5 stars

DREAMGIRLS: Best Supporting Actress (Jennifer Hudson), Best Sound Mixing (Willie Burton, Bob Beemer & Michael Minkler)

Prior to this movie, Jennifer Hudson's only claim to fame was being voted off American Idol. Now look at her! Not just "Best Actress," but "Best Supporting Actress"!
RATING: 4 1/2 out of 5 stars

HAPPY FEET: Animated Feature

If I had to come up with a two-word formula for making a great movie, it would be this: Gay Cowboys Penguins.
RATING: 3 1/2 out of 5 stars

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH: Best Documentary Feature, Music (Song: "I Need to Wake Up" - Melissa Etheridge)

Melissa Etheridge is the queen of radio filler material. How did she ever win an Oscar?

Here's the Melissa Etheridge Secret Formula for writing a Radio Song: Step 1) Address the song to your ambiguous gender-nonspecific lover. Step 2) Make sure the music sounds indistinguishable from every other song you've ever written. Step 3) Craft lyrics that are complete nonsense.

Here are the words to the Melissa Etheridge song, "Come to My Window" with my commentary in parentheses added:

I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
(She makes this sound like a big deal. It's not like dialing a phone is that hard to do.)
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
(Kind of a jump there. "Not only would I dial a phone, I'd also hold hands with death while burning in hell!" One takes almost no effort, and the other is extreme to the extent that it's not really feasable. And why does she call it "my" hell? Does she own a hell? Does she have to pay property taxes on it?)
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take
Just to reach you
(In order to find out how far and how much we have to wait for the chorus...)

chorus:
Come to my window
(So she starts out the song talking about the outrageous lengths she would go to just to reach her gender-nonspecific lover. But when we get to the chorus, it turns out that it's the gender-nonspecific lover who has to make the effort to come over to Melissa's house! The cheek of it!)
Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon
(Why can't her gender-nonspecific lover go in by the door? Why does s/he have to endure the indignity of crawling through the window? And why does s/he have to wait in moonlight? Melissa really loves her gender-nonspecific lover, but God forbid s/he use Melissa's electricity!)
Come to my window
I'll be home soon
(Melissa's not even home?! What the heck!? If she's going to make her gender-nonspecific lover take the trouble to go to her house, the least Melissa could do is be there to meet shim.)

Keeping my eyes open I cannot afford to sleep
(Why not? Is it expensive to sleep where Melissa lives? Can she afford catnaps?)
Giving away promises I know that I can't keep
Nothing fills the blackness
That has seeped into my chest
(How do you fill something that seeps? Seepage is usually something that fills up other things.)
I need you in my blood
(This makes it sounds like the gender-nonspecific lover carries an infectious disease. Ew.)
I am forsaking all the rest
(Talk about commitment! Melissa will forsake dating anyone else for her gender-nonspecific lover!)
Just to reach you
Just to reach you...
repeat chorus:

What does this song have to do with Al Gore's global warming movie? Absolutely nothing. But I always get really annoyed whenever I hear "Come to My Window" on the radio. The Song Melissa wrote and sang for An Inconvenient Truth was too crappy to ever play on the radio.
RATING 3 3/4 out of 5 stars

PAN'S LABRYNTH: Best Art Direction (Eugenio Caballero & Pilar Revuelta),
Best Makeup(David Marti And Montse Ribe), Best CinematographyGuillermo Navarro

This must be such a great movie to have cleaned up in all of these meaningless categories! Good job!
RATING: 4 out of 5 stars

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST: Best Visual Effects (John
Knoll, Allen Hall, Charles Gibson & Hal Hickel)

If I had to come up with a two-word formula for making a great movie, it would be this: Gay Cowboys Penguins Pirates.
2 1/2 out of 5 stars

THE LIVES OF OTHERS: Foreign Language Film, BABEL: Music (Score), THE DANISH POET: Best Animated Short Film, WEST BANK STORY: Best Live Action Film Short, FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS:Best Sound Editing (lan Robert Murray & Bub Asman), MARIE ANTOINETTE: Best Costume Design (Milena Canonero), and THE BLOOD OF THE YINGZHOU DISTRICT: Best Documentary Short

The movies that won the rest of the categories are all great movies. I will be sure to watch every single one of them very soon.
Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Well, that wraps that up! Til next year!

UPDATE!

Due to popular demand I have changed the color of my font to make it less blinding. You like? Also, I made the "Steak Rules" title even more huge. I think it's an improvement.