Last year, I got those people a photo of me flushing a $20 dollar bill down the toilet. The year before that, I got them a card that said, "A donation has been made in your name to the American White Supremacist Society." But this year I was totally stumped untill I started seeing banner ads on all these websites for something called "TerraPass."
I was curious. What was this hot holiday girl smiling about? What was TerraPass? How would it "balance out" my friends' impact on global warming? So I clicked on the banner ad and straghtaway was taken too...
... The TerraPass gift page! Here it was! The ultimate destination for anyone who's looking for a present that says, "I-don't-really-care-about-you-but-I-have-to-get-you-a-present-anyway!" Nothing ruins Christmas for someone you dislike more than the gift of carbon offset credits!I'm totally going to Grinch Christmas for my "friends" with all of these great "gift giving" solutions from TerraPass. For this one guy I know who owns a car, I'll get him the "Road Terrapass" so that he can go on driving his car just like he would have done anyway even if I'd got him nothing. And for this other guy who lives in a house, I'll get him a "Home Terrapass" so he can live in the home he's already living in.
Best of all, I've got one friend who's never even set foot on an airplane due to a severe phobia. I'll get him the "Flight Terrapass"... Just to be extra rude!
I'm also buying an extra TerraPass Carbon Credit just in case a game of Yankee Swap breaks out during the office Christmas party's Gift Exchange. Talk about a hot potato! No one's going to want to get stuck holding those TerraPass Carbon Offsets at the end of that game.
Ha! Ha! I win Christmas! Everyone else loses with the gift of carbon offsets! It's the blackest, most meaningless present of all: Absolutely nothing!No wonder hot holiday girl is smiling!
3 comments:
Finally! I have a gift to put in your hemp-and-grass stocking.
Sorry Peasant, but I've already protected myself from the threat of someone giving me the gift of carbon offsets by buying carbon offset offsets.
It works this way: When someone gives me a gift of carbon offsets from TerraPass, my carbon offset offset will "offset" that lousy gift by giving me something I really want, like flare gun shells or a cool DVD or something.
Nice try, Peasant Man, but no cigar.
I'm going to remember the phrase "hot holiday girl" for much longer than I really ought to.
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