The Results are In! Mustard is the Best!

After long and careful deliberation, I have decided that Mustard is the very best condiment in the entire world! Nay! The Universe^TM!

BBQ Sauce, your tangy zip is seductive, yet you lack the versatility of King Mustard.

Soy Sauce, you claim unrivaled versatility, but where is the "zing" factor? Only Mighty Mustard delivers in spades.

Mayonaisse, I disdain you. In color, texture, aroma and (I only imagine since I'm proud to say I've never tasted it) flavor, you come up short in all areas where it really matters. Mayonaisse, I hereby consign you to the Ash Heap of History^TM!

That said, there are a few issues that I have encountered in my deliberative process that I will address here.

FIRST: People always say to me, But Steak! Your name is STEAK! Your favorite condiment has to be A-1 STEAK sauce!

Sure, idiot. That makes perfect sense. Just like it makes sense for me to assume that just because a guy's name is Dave Nazi, then his favorite government must be Germany's Nazi Party. Nevermind that Dave Nazi's family immigrated to the U.S. 20 YEARS before Hitler came to power. AND the fact that Dave's grandfather fought in WWII on the ALLIED side. AND the fact that Dave's ancestors are from Kenya, not Germany. No no no, just because Dave's last name HAPPENS to coincidentally be "Nazi," I must therefore assume that he just loves the Nazi Party! Right? RIGHT!?!

SECOND: Then people say to me, But what about Gravy? You don't even MENTION Gravy!

Well OF COURSE I don't mention Gravy! Gravy IS NOT A CONDIMENT!!! How many times do I have to spell this out to people? Saying your favorite condiment is Gravy makes about as much sense as me saying my favorite condiment is Spaghetti Sauce! Or Pudding! Give it up already! Jeez!

THIRD: --And this one REALLY chafes my britches-- People always want to know, Why the HECK didn't you say KETCHUP is the Top Condiment?!?

Well EXCUSE ME! I didn't realize I HAD to say ANY of the condiments were best! You want me to say that Ketchup is the Most? Sure! I'll admit that Ketchup's the Most Overated condiment on the shelves, or that it's the Most Deserving of my Scorn. But the Most Bestest Condiment ever? C'mon. Sure, people like to imagine that Ketchup is the 800 lb. gorilla in the room of condiments, but the truth is that it's only a paper gorilla. Take a look at the facts:

Ketchup tastes good on a sum total of two foods. Burgers. And fries. That's it.

THAT'S IT.

Since when is the Entire Universe^TM so small that it's Best Condiment Ever only goes on two foods?

Ask Ketchup fans why Ketchup is their favorite condiment. They will all say stuff like, "Everyone else I know loves Ketchup," or "Ketchup just seems like the most electable condiment out there." Just like Hillary voters, Ketchup boosters are suckered in by the aura of inevitability their candidate exudes. But beneath the image, Ketchup, like Hillary, is utterly lacking in true substance.

Here's something to think about: If all Ketchup were to disappear from the face of the earth tomorrow, no one would even miss it. It's place on Burgers and Fries would easily be taken over by BBQ Sauce, just the way Hillary's place would easily be taken over by Obama should she suddenly vanish! The Best Condiment, like the Best Presidential Candidate, should not be so easily replaceable.

That is why Mustard alone stands tall. Accept no substitutes.