How does it poop?
Dominic Refuses to Come to Dinner
1 day ago
Sep 28, 2007
Sep 25, 2007
A Great Idea Whose Time Has Come: Use Satellites to Look for Bigfoot!
Who can't get enough of Bigfoot in the news? Certainly not me! I love that guy! But sadly, since the folding of Weekly World News, my primary source for Bigfoot updates has dried up. So it's now a rare and special occasion when I find an article like this: Satellite Searches Could Spot Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster.
I can't imagine a better use of our technological resources.
I can't imagine a better use of our technological resources.
Sep 20, 2007
Talk Like A Pirate Day versus Talk Like a Viking Day
Yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day, and I just couldn't get into it. I think it's because pirates have gotten so mainstream that I've just don't feel like the whole pirate thing is authentic anymore. It's like before Vanilla Ice made the big time, I was like, "This guy's the real deal. A white rapper with some street knowledge!" But then Vanilla got popular, and I was already over him. Nowadays, people come up to me wanting to talk about Vanilla Ice, I'm just like, "That guy? He is so last week."
It's the same with pirates for me. When they were just an indy thing, I could dig it because they were always about the pirating. Now they have their own holiday, their own threequel, even their own pirate name generator website. But now that everyone likes pirates, I find I just don't want to be part of that crowd that latches on to pirates just because they're "the new big thing." I've moved on.
What have I moved on to? In a word: Vikings.
Vikings are totally cooler than pirates. So that's why I'm using this blog to designate today (of all days!) as International Talk Like a Viking Day!
That's right. I'm putting Talk Like a Viking Day in head-to-head competition with Talk Like a Pirate Day. Perhaps there will come a day when Talk Like a Pirate Day is remembered as nothing more than Talk Like a Viking's Day Eve. Of course, if that day ever comes, I probably won't like Vikings any more since I'm too cool to like stuff that is popular. But that a blog post for another day. This is the day where I teach y'all to talk like Vikings!
Step One: Speak in a thick Scandinavian accent.
If you don't do a good Scandinavian accent, try doing your best impression of a favorite Fargo character. It's not exact, but it'll give you a rough approximation of how to inflect Scandanavian vowels.
(Note: Frequent interjections of "Ya, yew betcha" and "Oo dyear" are unnecessary, but can be used at your discretion.)
Steps Twos: Pluralizes Everythingks:
Never say, "Hey, all you guys!" It's always, "Heys, alls youse guyses!" (Note that since "guys" is already plural, you have to double pluralize it when Talking Like a Viking.)
Ands that'sz prettys much its. Starts talkingks likes thisz, and soons youse will haves Talks Likes a Vikingks day ins fulls swingks!
Sadly, I don't have a Viking Name Generator to compete on an equal playingks field with Talk Like a Pirate Day. So for now, you'll just have to pick your Viking name from the following list:
It's the same with pirates for me. When they were just an indy thing, I could dig it because they were always about the pirating. Now they have their own holiday, their own threequel, even their own pirate name generator website. But now that everyone likes pirates, I find I just don't want to be part of that crowd that latches on to pirates just because they're "the new big thing." I've moved on.
What have I moved on to? In a word: Vikings.
Vikings are totally cooler than pirates. So that's why I'm using this blog to designate today (of all days!) as International Talk Like a Viking Day!
That's right. I'm putting Talk Like a Viking Day in head-to-head competition with Talk Like a Pirate Day. Perhaps there will come a day when Talk Like a Pirate Day is remembered as nothing more than Talk Like a Viking's Day Eve. Of course, if that day ever comes, I probably won't like Vikings any more since I'm too cool to like stuff that is popular. But that a blog post for another day. This is the day where I teach y'all to talk like Vikings!
Step One: Speak in a thick Scandinavian accent.
If you don't do a good Scandinavian accent, try doing your best impression of a favorite Fargo character. It's not exact, but it'll give you a rough approximation of how to inflect Scandanavian vowels.
(Note: Frequent interjections of "Ya, yew betcha" and "Oo dyear" are unnecessary, but can be used at your discretion.)
Steps Twos: Pluralizes Everythingks:
Never say, "Hey, all you guys!" It's always, "Heys, alls youse guyses!" (Note that since "guys" is already plural, you have to double pluralize it when Talking Like a Viking.)
Ands that'sz prettys much its. Starts talkingks likes thisz, and soons youse will haves Talks Likes a Vikingks day ins fulls swingks!
Sadly, I don't have a Viking Name Generator to compete on an equal playingks field with Talk Like a Pirate Day. So for now, you'll just have to pick your Viking name from the following list:
- Erik the Red
- Erik Svensson
- Sven Erikkson
- Sklaarsglaar the Swedish Scourge
- Leif
UPDATE
(Tip o' the Tam to Dominic) Viking Name Generator
Sep 17, 2007
Full Page Ads!
I'm way more witty than MoveOn.org. They should totally hire me. Check out a sample of my mind-blowing work:
You're probably thinking, "'Wrest more land'? But Westmoreland was famous for fighting a war of attrition, not wresting land! If anything, his problem was that he didn't wrest enough land--" Then you stop yourself. "Ooh... I get it," you say. "Irony."
And if you like that irony, check this next one out:
What's ironic about good ol' Stormin' Norman being equated with a shortstop, you ask? Doesn't matter. It's a sports metaphor, and those are always apropos. Maybe Schwarzkopf was our "cutoff man" in the Gulf War. Maybe he's "batting a thousand." Who knows. Maybe he needs a "seventh inning stretch." It pretty much means whatever you want it to mean.
This one is way more clever than anything MoveOn.org will ever come up with. A professional warrior, the top military commander in the United States, and his name means "peace" in Latin! This one's a slam dunk!
Of course, I always have to explain it to everyone I show it to, and it always loses some punch once it's been explained. But still.
Anyway, speaking of "punch"...
This one's my favorite.
So if anyone from MoveOn.org is out there reading this blog, be sure to drop me a line. There's plenty more where this came from!
You're probably thinking, "'Wrest more land'? But Westmoreland was famous for fighting a war of attrition, not wresting land! If anything, his problem was that he didn't wrest enough land--" Then you stop yourself. "Ooh... I get it," you say. "Irony."
And if you like that irony, check this next one out:
What's ironic about good ol' Stormin' Norman being equated with a shortstop, you ask? Doesn't matter. It's a sports metaphor, and those are always apropos. Maybe Schwarzkopf was our "cutoff man" in the Gulf War. Maybe he's "batting a thousand." Who knows. Maybe he needs a "seventh inning stretch." It pretty much means whatever you want it to mean.
This one is way more clever than anything MoveOn.org will ever come up with. A professional warrior, the top military commander in the United States, and his name means "peace" in Latin! This one's a slam dunk!
Of course, I always have to explain it to everyone I show it to, and it always loses some punch once it's been explained. But still.
Anyway, speaking of "punch"...
This one's my favorite.
So if anyone from MoveOn.org is out there reading this blog, be sure to drop me a line. There's plenty more where this came from!
Sep 15, 2007
Sep 10, 2007
Popular Demand!
Due to popular demand, I have decided to work presidential hopeful Mitt Romney into my storybook about Bobby the Bob-Tail Coon.
Children's literature? Or sophisticated political satire?
Who says it can't be both?
Children's literature? Or sophisticated political satire?
Who says it can't be both?
Sep 7, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)